Every once in a while I am struck with a feeling of emptiness inside.  It’s strange to think that I could be missing something since I have everything a man could possibly want.  Good relationship, job, roof over my head; all the fixins for a happily ever after.  There’s just this one thing that seems to leave me feeling unfulfilled.  Perhaps it’s a lack of spirituality.

My mother is Presbyterian.  For a short time as a small child there was Sunday school but that didn’t last too long.  From third to sixth grade was Lutheran school, complete with weekly hymn sing and chapel.  That stopped abruptly when my parents divorced.  Soon after that was a bout of teenage born again Christianism which ended when the church I was attending booted out a member who came out of the closet.  This guy turned to his fellow Christians for help and guidance and they shunned him.  That just didn’t seem very Christ-like to a budding homosexual like myself.

Jesus loves me this I know/If I’m white and hetero

That particular experience made me struggle with Christianity but I still believed that somewhere down in the muck, there was truth and honesty in it all.  Unfortunately, once George junior got into the White House all bets were off.  I have become so turned off by Christianity thanks to our fearless leader who seems to think he’s on a mission from God.  And they say Satan is scary.  Actually, I have become turned off by all religions.  There is so much vile hatred and bloodshed in the name of God that all organized religion has become scary to me. 

So what to do?  Find an unorganized religion?

For a while I flirted with Buddhism and kind of liked it.  Paganism seem quite relevant to me from a respect the earth and the elements perspective but people hear the word Pagan and think you’re a six toed mutant sheep fucker–which is really funny because a lot of Christian holidays ripped off–I mean appropriated–pagan rituals.  Isn’t it a coincidence that Christmas is right around the same time as the winter solstice?  What’s up with bringing a live tree into the house in the dead of winter?

I admire Christianity from a technical standpoint.  It’s beautifully constructed and it has hell–which is a brilliant concept.  You simply can’t argue with H E double hockey sticks.  Do something wrong and you burn in hell forever. 

Then there’s the “Christians aren’t perfect, just forgiven” or CAPJF clause.  I love that.  A Christian does something wrong and simply asks to be forgiven and all is right with the world.  Is there a limit on how many times you can be forgiven for the same thing?  There should be.

Now what sucks for me is being stuck with the Go Straight To Hell card because I’m gay.  I never even had a chance.  Perhaps I can use the CAPJF phrase every time I have sex. 

Oh!  Now…how did that happen?  He he….sorry.  I promise it won’t happen again–until tomorrow.

To be fair I have to acknowledge the people who exemplify what a good Christian should be.  They’re out there.  The only problem is that they’re overshadowed by self righteous freaks who blow up abortion clinics or hold up signs at Matthew Shepard’s funeral saying that God hates fags.  Being a gay man who gets pissed off when the media focuses on the flaming queen in a speedo with body glitter at gay pride festivals…well, let’s just say I understand how it is when one person ruins it for an entire group.

I’m still in a rut though.  The empty spot in my soul seems to grow as I get older.  Drugs, sex and Mary Tyler Moore reruns just don’t fill the void anymore. 

I guess I have to look on the bright side; If I am going to hell for being gay, at least all of my friends will be there. 

4 Thoughts on “Are you there God? It’s me Cobban.

  1. Wicked Glinda on 25/10/2007 at 8:31 AM said:

    Have you ever looked at a marble and wondered if there was a teeny weeny universe inside of it? Maybe that’s what we are…just a universe inside of a giant’s marble. Hmmmmm…..

  2. Have you read “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch? I grew up in a religion which was rigidly “Christian”. Nine years ago I had a nervous breakdown, had to retire from my profession, and was lost. I groped for answers as I inched my way back out of the black pit of hereditary clinical depression. Organized religion held nothing for me, I found. After months of floundering I happened upon Conversations. For once in my life, God was real and life made sense. It is not a religion or a sect. It helped me get back on my spiritual path.

  3. I have not read that book but I saw a lot of reviews about it on Amazon. I may have to explore it. Thanks!

  4. Pingback: My Blogiversary » Lopaka Lounge

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