Well, I’ve gone and done it again. I got myself off schedule. I think the play and the website deadline threw me off. Combine that with the washing machine fiasco and a recent trip to Chicago (I’m writing this on my return fight) and you have a cluster fuck. It’s not so bad really. I just feel out of balance schedule-wise. The thing that’s bothering me most is the lack of gym attendance. I was doing so well. Now it feels like I have to start all over again. I hate that.
After years of wondering why the bod thing is so difficult for me I’m starting to realize that it has nothing to do with my physical well being at all.
It’s all in my head.
My brain to be exact. My brain keeps me from getting what I want I don’t think I’m letting myself realize the goals I want to achieve. Note the word, realize. I think people with nice gym bodies get them fixed in their heads first. They develop a picture of what they want to look like in their mind and then utilize the physical act of weight training, cardio, or whatever to make it happen.
Of course while I’m writing this, a hunky tall built black man is sitting across the aisle from me bobbing his head up and down to his iPod. I just want to crawl into his lap, pop the earbud out of his head and scream, “HOW THE HELL DO YOU DO IT!?!? DO YOU JUST WORK OUT ALL DAY LONG?? WHAT’S THE SECRET?!?”
I think I’ll refrain from doing that.
It is so hard for me to close my eyes and imagine me with the body I want. I can look at someone else and want their body but when I try to hold a mental picture of my own self with a nice bod, I just can’t make it stick. The image just morphs back into skinny flabby me. It’s not that I want to be some big muscle god. That’s too much of a commitment and quite frankly, I have other stuff to do. I just want a little bulk—a little shape…maybe even a ripple. Just one. I want to take my shirt off when we have friends over for a swim and not feel inferior.
Let me tell you folks, that whole body image problem is not necessarily a female thing. I see the hunk on the magazine cover in the checkout of the grocery store and get all bummed out feeling that I don’t measure up. It’s frustrating being a middle aged gay man in this world—especially living with someone who does has a very nice body.
I’m pathetic. I just have to keep trying I guess. I have never really failed at anything I’ve ever put my mind to–in fact, I have been quite successful everything…except this. That’s what makes it so annoying. Why is it so hard? It’s like a giant obstruction. A mental block of sorts. I need to change that picture in my head.
My ears are popping. The plane is descending. Tucson is just about 20 minutes away. Hopefully, things will get back on track schedule-wise and I’ll be able to find new mental wallpaper to inspire me.
Side note: I got home and there was a little card from my trainer in the mail reminding me that I have not been to the gym for a while. Maybe it’s a sign.