There was a contest here in town. For charity. It was fashioned after that popular TV show where people compete for a recording contract by singing. Seems that me–being the big karaoke loudmouth–paid off. I entered (at the last minute) and won in the male category. You’d think I’d be happy about it but in this case, victory is bittersweet.
Why didn’t I pursue this singing thing twenty years ago? Maybe I could have actually done something. Instead, my years of self doubt turned into a giant speed bump. I waited too long and then accelerated at the last minute. Went too fast and caught air. Right now, I’m flying. The sand paper asphalt is just about to make contact with my flesh. Feels like I’m about to become hamburger meat.
I’m too old for American Idol. The pipes don’t do what they could have two decades ago. I’m such a fucking asshole. Oh well. I can still sing in my garage. Fame would have destroyed me anyway…but the money sure would have been nice.
I’ve been wrestling with depression lately. I shouldn’t be. Some days I look in the mirror and wonder who’s looking back. It’s frightening because things have been going so well lately–hell, I’m the prize-winning singer in my teeny-tiny town. Local celebrity. That’s me. What a fucking joke.
I have become disenchanted by small town life. It’s so…gossipy. Like playing the telephone game 24/7. Doesn’t that sound like fun? It’s not. I should have moved here and kept my mouth shut. Who am I kidding? I’ve never been able to do that.
So please accept my apologies. I don’t seem to have much to write about. Hey, I know, let’s play non sequitur!
- Swine Flu – freaks me out too but hey, only a handful of people have it. Let’s not break out our copies of The Stand just yet.
- Fox News – The network that touts its news as the New Moral Compass also produces Family Guy, Married With Children, The Simpsons, etc. Do the die-hard Fox News viewers ever watch these shows?
- Dick Cheney – Now you start talking?? Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Lives up to his first name.
- Susan Boyle – Unibrow worked in her favor lowering expectations. Gets a makeover and the world sees her at the competent yet mediocre singer she really is.
- Tea Parties – A. You just got a tax break!! B. Didn’t anyone run the phrase “TEABAGGING” past the teenage kids first?
- Sean Hannity – Has anybody heard anymore about this offer from Sean to be waterboarded? Oh pleeeease Sean! Please show us how harmless it is! You big wuss!
- Christianity – Maybe Revelations was Christianity predicting the end of itself. Just a thought.
- Criticizing Obama – What? You want fucktard George back? Maybe you’re just mad because you LOST! To quote Jon Stewart, “It’s supposed to taste like a shit taco!”
- Same sex marriage – No! I’m not going to fucking Iowa to get married. I want to be married anywhere in the United States just like any other American–and I want retroactive rights. I am marred–have been for fifteen fucking years! Don’t spew out your hateful “protect the sanctity of marriage” crap either. Who was there to protect me from my parent’s divorce?
- People ranting on their blogs – Oh wait…that’s me.
This post sucks. I’m going to bed. I do feel surprisingly better though…